I wish people were more honest. Not the type of honest that is cruel, but the type in which you are tasteful with your words and what you say. Being direct, straight forward. Not dancing around the subject with someone who may know them and bashing them. I've learned negativity gets you no where.. I don't hate anyone anymore. Even if they say rude things about me in the worst way possible, behind my back. But perhaps even though I have adopted love rather than hate, doesn't always mean others have as well. Maybe that is the cruelest of lessons..
I figure this simply because no living being is perfect; and neither am I.
I wish people were more positive and could see the good in others rather then the bad.
Everyone, has something good about them. So why not focus more on that? Be real.
Not everyone is out there to get you.
Keep a warm and open heart.
However, I am thankful for those who love me unconditionally. Friends and family.
It is the real compassion that keeps us alive.
Hopefully more people can learn to love instead of hate.
I know I have.

Sitting here feeling absolutely amazing.. looking at my hands and realizing how dark I got.. yes, a tan? wtf.. I didn't want it exactly but I guess that's what happens when you go to Tahoe and walk around with sunscreen..  My back is peeling from the burn I got.. yuck. Luckily I wore pants and stuff..Too much sun for me is bad considering all sorts of cancer runs in my family.. I'd rather NOT go there. It's a blessing that I am allergic to smoke now..It has been extra nice relaxing and listening to music today.. I just need it..
I went to the doctor yesterday for my blasted toe that I stubbed.. I thought he was going to perform a minor surgery.. But he wants to wait and told me that I was doing the correct thing by soaking in episom salt with warm water +  neosporin after..He didn't want it to become any sort of systemic infection so here I am on antibiotics.. ARG. I feel like I have been on them so much the past few months. I cringe at the thought of my kidneys so hard @ work...when I was at my appointment I asked the medical assistant if it was true about Kaiser paying for the rest of your education and how they work with externships.. She informed me that if I go on extern with them and I am hired that I am pretty much free to work with any of the branches I want to..AND they will pay for continuing education. This was music to my ears..I just wanted to make sure everything I had been hearing was true.  . I really messed up my toe.. I kept thinking about how nice it would be if humans were like lizards and you could chop a limb and have it grow back just like new.. only issue is if it was capable with a toe, you'd kind of be off balance for awhile.hmm.
I should really work on more homework just to finish it.  Not much to do really since a chunk of the learning is in class since every class is four hours long once a week. I like it that way, more gets accomplished.. Less books to carry around...
It's been nice conversing with old friends I have a long history with.. I'm thinking about driving to my home town to see them. I miss them..  So many memories.

And... here I go.. continuing my last fm binge.. as always..

I was talking to an old friend of mine from 10th-11th grade on facebook today.. he sent me some videos he used to do.. viva la bam esque style back in 2003-2008...
This particular clip was from 10th grade from what I remember.. Troy getting slapped in the face and me not knowing wtf is going on....retarded pig tails and hella weird hair..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUuLHwmCorA&feature=PlayList&p=9CD11359AC99B506&index=5

Second clip is from his website of my friend Camden going crazy... I enjoy it..

http://timsilva.com/archive/personal/dipshitz/dipshitz3/?video=1.1



Ah, when life was simple.. haha.
On another note.. I think I'm going to love my public speaking class. It's fun as hell and I really don't mind being up in front of people.. Feels comfortable.. Minus the fact that it's like a one way conversation..

I cannot believe it has been over 2 years now since my grandpa or "papa Jim" has passed away. He was really a special person to me. Simply because of his love for music. That was one thing that really connected us. I have always been able to appreciate all different types of music. Generally that consisting of old old jazz, swing, or anything else from the 1900's through 1950's etc. The older I get the more appreciation I have for who he was. Right now they are doing a tribute to him at his old radio station he worked for. www.kboo.com . Listening to them talk about him makes me cry still. Not because I am sad, but simply because of the memories. His music is what keeps him alive, even though he is no longer here. Music is my root in life as well, and I think it is simply amazing when others can live through it and feel the emotion within it.

( Where ever my path may lead... )

The last couple days were nice.. I got away...Mike and I went to Tahoe again.
It was nice to drive there and stay someplace..  It wasn't as nice as the other place we stayed but it was alright.. The room was nice.. It was some what of a condo set up with a living room, and a kitchen We walked to an art fair sort of things and looked at paintings and such.. .. I ended up buying a salt rock lamp. I got sunburned on the walk.. oof.. luckily just my back..The first time I "experienced" one was at a hookah bar about three or four years ago. I felt really energetic and happy but didn't understand why.. Hookah very well does not make me feel anything accept light headed.. So i asked what the rocks were and I quickly learned about their healing properties.


( ... )

Why in the hell am I writing so late? I rarely do this.. I can't think.. Or can I? It seems like the more tired I get the more random things that cross my mind.. May be the ABC's to my crazy vivid lucid dreams...I keep thinking about the dreams that have stood out to me the last year and seemed to have really symbolized something.... metaphorically..
      
The furthest back I can remember was after everything started wearing down from moving here and I was finally recovering emotionally and physically from all the stress that I had been encountering in losing absolutely everything at once and having to start from square one....and doing so, far away from home. I had just started talking to Mike back when he was living in San Diego before I flew to see him. I had a dream of being in a little log cabin smoothed away in snow in what appeared to be a remote location in Finland.. however, not too remote since once I started walking down the side walk there appeared to be small apartments on either side of the road. I was walking through the snow, and it was still falling from the sky making it slightly fuzzy in front of me as I walked... I felt like I was searching for someone. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and remembered text messaging Mike as I wiped the snow away from the screen. I remember it saying "I love you"...I kept walking in search for him .. ... That's all I can remember of that, but snow is supposed to mean purity and a chance for a new beginning and positive change.. so I found that to be interesting..

Just before I found out about a friend's new heroin addiction....I had a dream this particular person (whom I trusted my life with practically until over a year ago) leading me across a frozen lake in the snow.. He kept saying "Follow me, it's okay, trust me.. It's alright." As soon as I started to follow him across the ice it broke from underneath me and I fell into the water and it was FREEZING. I could feel the current pull me under.. I woke up shortly after this.. I had a similar one involving this person telling me to trust him with a parachute back in December.. my parachute of course, ended up failing and as I fell to the ground he attempted to catch me but missed.. I began to vomit blood... of course, that time I woke up in a full panic attack state.. My relationship with this person, in reality is in a full state of deterioration.... more like the maggot eating the carcass stage of it now..

I had a full dream of being in Finland.. Driving down the road on a tour bus passing all the exits with signs written in Finnish.. I must have been napping because every time I would wake up I would be in a different spot. It was beautiful driving through Lapland through all the trees. It was summer and the colors were warm and vivid. I was dropped off at a port where I visited ice ships from the docks and went to the movie theater in which I saw my mother. I thought I had been traveling alone but apparently not.. She walked away though.. I wanted to be on my own.
I don't have too much to write about tsunami dreams, but I have had them my whole life...not for a LONG time until about 9 months back..Usually they take place where I spent most of my childhood... My grandparents house right on the water. They have windows that face the water and I always dream of seeing a large wave come toward it and I would always run and hide in the bathtub for some reason.. i would always wake up or it would just go away and never crash into the window and end in complete tragedy.. BUT this last particular time I was in my old home that I lived in before I moved.. Not Michael's house..... but my home in Petaluma that I used to live in. This time the water crashed through the house and I could feel the current whip me in circles, I felt dizzy and could hear the water roar next to my ears.. I woke up screaming 2012 2012...I was in a constant state of panic when I woke up and every noise I heard I began to think a wave was going to come crashing through my window.....I went back to sleep woke up again thinking wtf was wrong with me?
While I was in my lab class last quarter I was ALWAYS in that lab room.. I had two classes with the same teacher and I was always in that environment. You get to really know you classmates....Anyhow.. As I fell asleep I began to dream that I was in my really old house back from when my parents were still married.. it was a huge white house on the corner of the street.. All my friends that I had ever known were there. We were all socializing across the street from my house where some shrubs were but we always would sit on the curb or set down some boxes to perch on.. anyhow.. this one kid Mike (not my boyfriend but another Mike I knew years ago)  was talking to me.. all of the sudden i was inside my house and he was holding up a coffee pot to me, offering coffee, I looked behind him and more friends were sitting outside in my backyard socializing.. I waved to them and they waved back and asked how I was.. All of the sudden I felt pain in my ears and jaw, lots of preassure and I could feel my heart beating extremely fast.. all I could say was "I need an ambulance, help!" and sank to the floor with my hand over my chest.... I must have blacked out.... I woke up in the lab at school on one of the hospital beds we had in there.. All of my class mates were around me..I was hooked up to the heart monitor and my teacher had taken EKG readings.. She had it up on the large screen and I stared at it as I was shaking full of adrenalline.. She looked at my reading and pointed to a spike in the reading and said.. "Right there, that's where you had a heart attack.." my eyes welled up and I could hear everyone around me saw "AAW" all at once.. I woke up in shock from that one as well, the heart attack being extremely realistic..

On that note.. I'm going to bed..
I have a long weekend ahead of me..

                                                                      



( ... )

I came home today to discover a beautiful record player. It stands on four legs and almost appears to look like a table with two cupboards and a wind-up handle on the side.. It's pretty big. When my mother went to Washington I guess she brought it back.. It's something that has been passed down in the family.. (On my mother's side) Since my Grandfather's death everyone has been rummaging through his record collection.. He had a whole room dedicated to his music, covered wall to wall with isles for all of his music. It was truly amazing... I'm glad to have some of his music as well as this amazing record player.


Tomorrow is my first day of the July quarter..
Pharmacology
Medical Transcription
Humanities
Public Speaking

My visit(s) have been good in this area. I'm disappointed I didn't get to see all of the people I wanted to see. I always put my family first. I spent some time at my grandfathers house. Basically the house I grew up in and have a lot of memories... Ever since my grandmother's death three years ago, we have began talking more. Before, he was always a private person and my grandmother and I spent most the time together. After all the time, just now I'm finding out more about him and his past and he opened up about his traveling in Europe. I explained to him that some day I would LOVE to travel around various parts of Europe. I want to see everything I can in my lifetime and live to my fullest. He told me if I ever get the chance to go that I should...And I will.




I have spent a lot of my time with my boyfriend during my break. I love being around him. He treats me wonderfully. I have never dated someone who has continuously pampered me so much. Cooks breakfast in the morning, takes me out to dinner, or cooks me dinner...Just the fact that this has gone on for awhile now really surprises me. I appreciate his kindness extremely. I'm very happy.

So far my break has been pretty relaxing. I've been staying with my boyfriend since last Friday. Went to the city.. Took a few photos from my blackberry.. I was going to bring my regular camera but didn't have it with me.. I could have used his nice camera he has but I didn't want to lug it around.. A homeless person told me they hated my guts and I found it to be extremely hilarious at the time...People are weird in large populations...

We walked around the mall on Market Street for a bit...I like market street..not spending money on market is redic. We went to Mel's Diner and ate. Out of everything, that's one of my favorite places in the city.. I don't know why, I think it's because of the people watching..

I'd like to go hiking on Mt. Tam at some point while I'm here, bring my camera and take photos up there..

Finals are officially over. I get my 20 day break. I'm going to drive to see people. I need to make my way to San Francisco at some time, Walnut Creek and around various places in the North Bay. I'm addicted to lastfm.com.
Turns out I managed straight A's again in my classes. All of this will pay off. I have to keep telling myself that. FINALLY I will have time to read WHAT I want to read and not some blasted text books. My boyfriend lent me World War Z about 3 months ago and I've only gotten to the middle of the book. I would like to go find some other books but everything seems so cheesy.. I'm sure theirs SOMETHING out there that is good. AND NO, I REFUSE TO READ TWILIGHT BOOKS. OK so it's time to finish cleaning and doing laundry before I leave.

Last weekend was great. Nice get away. Nice wedding. Fun everything. Drove back yesterday and then proceeded to my Lab class final.. After the final was over we all watched house on the projector in class and one of our class mates brought us all in and out burger.. those french fries are amazing.
anyway, here are some photos from last weekend. We had a great little apartment lodge thing that we stayed at right on the beach. It was amazing and relaxing. For larger photos visit: http://twitpic.com/photos/hilaryxlynn probably updated more regularly then livejournal.

Dress + shoes for the wedding this weekend. Spent $0.00. Thank you Macy's gift cards.
I was surprised I found cute Calvin Klein shoes. Not usually into his stuff.

I was doing research for my English paper on Genetic Engineering and came across a really disturbing website... http://www.genpets.com
Basically packaged creatures of some sort. They come with a feeding tube... Need I say more? I almost vomited when I saw this..

I am so happy. finally the doctors are putting more effort into me. I had to change my doctor before because she kept dismissing my problems. I had many strange bouts that landed me in the ER and I thought I was having a heart attack or going insane. One of the two.. During it all, strangely I noticed my ears hurt REALLY bad during everything. They kept thinking I was having severe panic attacks, which I was, but they didn't bother looking into the root of the REAL problem. I already have anxiety to begin with but when something is actually physically wrong with my body it goes haywire. It pretty much reacts during the night if I come down with anything. Heart will pound and I will become very restless... Anyway, in January I was staying with my boyfriend and my heart started pounding and i felt like I was going to faint. I walked down the stairs and told him I needed to go to the doctor right away and that "it" was happening again.. THIS doctor finally was kind enough to actually LOOK into my ears to and gave me the diagnosis of Labyrinthitis. Basically your inner ear becomes swollen for a number of reasons, can be triggered by stress (which probably triggered mine, because I was going through a lot at the time) , allergies, after getting over the flu etc. Anyway, it can become bad enough to really debilitate a person..You'll be sitting and you'll feel as if the room is spinning, you'll feel nauseated, AND it can trigger good old panic attacks.. basically because your brain's equilibrium is being thrown off... ANYWAY..ever since that occasion I've been medicating myself with benadryl because that's always seemed to stop the attacks and all the symptoms..(which makes me assume its allergy related)..I recently got off of benadryl for a few days and I'm noticing all the symptoms coming back, not AS bad as they were but still there. Overall, and before my diagnosis, this has been going on for about a year total.. and FINALLY they're willing to accept that it's a real problem and not just anxiety.. Such a relief.
They want to run CT scans, which I'm glad for.. I always worry about cancer and such, even though that is unlikely; but you really never know. I want to know what is going on in there and most of all, how to fix it! Whether it be surgery, medications to help this, at this point, I'll take all the help I can get.

All I feel like I do is school work, and when I do catch a few moments for myself; I am truly thankful. This will all lead to something much bigger and it is all worth it. I'm such a steriotypical capricorn. Work Work Work, stability and family life being the goal.. It's all so true. That's why I've always been searching for that partner that will stick around through thick and thin. Always, ever since I was 16. Sometimes I wonder if any of it is because of my parents getting divorced so it adds to the whole stability thing. Don't get me wrong, however, the whole reason for an education is to better your mind and your profession so you can make it on your own, with no help from anyone. Thus, having someone in your life to accompany you through life is just a great addition to your exsistance.
BLAH. Well, the wedding is coming up in a few weeks. He has his suit, and I have my dress. I'm not the one getting married, perhaps some day. My step brother is getting married to a girl he's been with for quite some time now.. they have two kids.. and they're my age! So strange I'm in the settle down and get married stage of my life.. I'm looking forward to this, open bar, and a condo suite.. I bet it will be nice in Tahoe. Anyway, yesterday was spent quite redic.. I listened to a a live interview with Ville. I was interested. OK? It was really quite amusing. I recorded it on real player. He reminds me a lot of my boyfriend..
This past weekend was eventful.. Had to go to the doc for a stupid health issue. Somehow I managed to drive 2 hours.. then two hours home. I'll do anything for people I love I tell you. jeez.. if anyone ever says I don't I think I'd have the right to smack them in the face... or just walk away, seeing as I don't really hit people... but the thought of it..
I drew Lara's tattoo for her it turned out way better then I thought it would...I can't wait to see it on her skin! I've never had someone tell me they'd me honored to have my art on them.. That makes me so happy. <3<3

Now I'm sitting here trying to focus on this research paper that is due by Saturday.. and i have to do a group one as well.. but no one is doing shit for group so I know I'm going to end up doing everything. I don't want a shit grade because I got set up with a bunch of slackers. I need to finish venipunctures in class and collect at least 6 more vials of blood by evacuation and a few more by butterfly.. so manyy.. I love it though.

OK enoough wasting time here... I twitter more then I journal these days.. It seems more convenient and I seem to interact a lot more with people around the world on there. I wonder how they find me....

What is your opinion of sex?
It's friction.. lol. It's something that people do when they love each other.


Do you drink alcohol frequently?
I don't have time to drink. I do drink wine or vodka on occasion.

How many of your friends are addicted to drugs?
Not many. The ones that did have problems got help and are better now.

Do you shave every inch of your body?
Basically.

How many people have you kicked out of your life?
Kicked out? I've only stopped talking to people because either they were full
of shit or we grew apart some how.

Would you ever consider being a foster parent?
Yes.

Where is one place that you've been that you'll never go to again?
I can't think of any place. I really don't have a desire to go south basically. I hate desert cities.

Have you ever just wanted to give up and fade away?
When I was like ...16.

How long will you live at your current residence?
About 7 more months. Then I'll be graduating from college and getting a place of my own with a new job. I'm happy for this new beginning.

Would you ever pierce your "private" areas?
No. I've heard you can lose sensation if you do that and you're not one of the ''lucky'' ones.

What was the last thing you said out loud?
Good night

What's something that irritates you to no end?
Not much actually. I'm good at tuning annoying people out. I have selective hearing and tunnel vision.

Honestly, do looks matter to you?
Yea, it's apart of professionalism when you're speaking of it in a context of the work place.
Keeping yourself well kept is a reflection of yourself to others.

Write some lyrics from the song you're currently listening to:
I'm actually not listening to anything right now.

Do you play any instruments?
Lots. Accordion, Violin, Guitar, Piano, and drums, whatever I get my hands on I can figure out.. doesn't mean i'm AMAZING at all of them.

What's something you miss?
I'll miss the simplicity of living with my family when I leave.

What was the last gift you gave to someone?
I bought my boyfriend dinner and a sweatshirt.

How many pillows do you sleep with?
Lots.

Do you have any health problems?
Just Anemia. That I'm aware of.

What was the last concert you attended?
Behemoth and Dimmu because it was free.

Do you have any piercings?
I took out all my facial ones. I'm over it. My ears are still gauged, and I have my belly button ring.

What's something that you think people waste too much time on?
Worrying.

Did you do something bad today?
No.

What are you doing this weekend?
It's a secret.

What is wrong with you right now?
Nothing at all. I'm happy.

Do you like to be reassured that you're cared about?
No. I have a strong sense in who cares about me and who doesn't. I only focus on the people who care.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Sure. I'm female.

Do you want to tell someone how you feel?
I do. I am open. I only compliment. Theirs no point in pointing out negative traits.

When I arrived home from school a little after ten in the evening last Thursday I was greeted by the neighbor and my aunt and uncle who had come from Washington who had come to visit. I sat down in the garage and had a beer with them. Usually I'm not a beer drinker at all but ever since the previous weekend of being served corona with dinner at my boyfriend's mother's house I've grown to appreciate it's bitterness. We sat and talked for awhile. I went to sleep at some point. I don't really remember much. I was really tired that night. The next day they left and I was alone. I had been under the impression they were staying all weekend. My boyfriend ended up asking if he could come up saturday.. I had no problems with this.. We spent from saturday to today together until he went home. The days would've gone so damn slow without anyone here. I was nice to have the house to ourselves. I was surprised by how amazing pizza hut's multi-grain pizza is.. and the cinnamon sticks.. oof. That was a good night; watching documentaries on haunted places etc. We drove to a lake near by to check it out.. I didn't even know you could get right on the water like that without paying. It's been so hot lately. Unbearable for my whiteness.
I'm still trying to wake up.. I took a nap since I woke up at 4am wide awake.. We went outside so I could get some air. Had somewhat of a dehydration ''attack'' and was fine once I drank some water.. Not fun in the middle of the night.

Damn it. I found out I'm anemic in class last night when we were doing blood sample testing. Oof. I eat plenty of iron fortified food. Sooo it makes me bitter! Guess its time to stock up on le vitaminssss.